How to be influential without being a people pleaser: Overcome being “nice” out of narcissistic desires

At the core of confidence is authenticity.

Are you tired of being known as the “nice guy” or “nice girl” at work? Do you feel like you’re constantly bending over backward for others, only to feel unappreciated in return? It’s possible that your “niceness” is actually stemming from a narcissistic desire to be liked and validated.

“Trying to please everyone is the fastest way to lose yourself. It’s a never-ending cycle that erodes your authenticity and drains your happiness.”

As a software engineer (I say software engineers because those are the first claimed victims of such traits, at least in my observation) or an employee in the corporate world, it’s not uncommon to fall into this trap of being overly accommodating and reclusive. You want to be seen as the go-to person who is always willing to help, but this can quickly turn into a toxic cycle of people pleasing.

Being humble vs. people pleasing

While humility and people-pleasing may share some similarities, there are distinct differences between the two. Being humble involves having a modest and unpretentious attitude, acknowledging one’s limitations, and showing respect for others. It stems from a genuine sense of self-awareness and a willingness to learn and grow. On the other hand, people-pleasing is driven by a strong desire for external validation and acceptance. It often involves sacrificing one’s own needs and boundaries to gain approval from others, leading to a constant state of trying to meet everyone’s expectations. While humility comes from a place of inner strength and authenticity, people-pleasing can be detrimental to one’s well-being, as it disregards personal values and leads to a loss of self-identity. It’s important to cultivate humility while maintaining healthy boundaries and staying true to oneself, rather than succumbing to the pitfalls of people-pleasing.

But fear not, there are steps you can take to overcome this tendency and still maintain a humble demeanor.

As a software engineer, it’s easy to fall into the trap of being overly accommodating and reclusive. However, following these six steps, you can break free from this cycle and become more confident, assertive, and true to yourself.

For example, imagine a software engineer who constantly takes on additional work to please their colleagues, even though it’s causing them stress and burnout.

You aren’t lost, you are at the right place. Follow along…..

Here are six steps to stop being a people pleaser and start being true to yourself.

Step 1: Understand the root of your behavior

The first step to breaking any habit is to understand why you’re doing it in the first place. Ask yourself: why am I so invested in being nice to others? Is it because I genuinely enjoy helping people, or is it because I want to be seen as indispensable and important? Being honest with yourself about your motivations can help you shift your behavior in a healthier direction.

Step 2: Practice saying no

As a people pleaser, saying no can be one of the hardest things to do. However, learning to say no is a crucial step in setting healthy boundaries and prioritizing your own needs. Start small by saying no to minor requests or tasks, and work your way up to more significant challenges. Remember, saying no doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means you’re taking care of yourself.

Step 3: Learn to accept criticism

As someone who craves validation, criticism can be hard to take. However, learning to accept and integrate feedback from others is essential to personal growth and development. Instead of taking criticism personally, view it as an opportunity to improve and learn.

Step 4: Focus on your own goals

As a people pleaser, it’s easy to get caught up in the needs and wants of others. However, to overcome this behavior, it’s important to prioritize your own goals and aspirations. Take some time to identify what you want out of your career and personal life, and start working towards those goals, even if it means saying no to others along the way.

Step 5: Practice self-care

Taking care of yourself is essential to breaking the cycle of people pleasing. Make sure to prioritize your physical and mental health by exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, and engaging in activities that bring you joy. Remember, you can’t take care of others if you’re not taking care of yourself first.

Step 6: Find a support system

Breaking the cycle of people pleasing can be challenging, so it’s essential to find a support system that understands and supports your goals. Surround yourself with people who value your authenticity and encourage you to be true to yourself.

Pushback and commit

Pushing back on criticism and advice can be the best possible solution when you feel stuck or lost. It will open doors for discussion and help with your self-esteem. But bear in mind, pushing back is not about blatantly disagreeing, it is more about accepting the other person’s suggestions and yet coming up with your own opinions to justify why you don't like their thoughts.

You can choose your own path when it comes to your opinions until it hurts you.

By learning to say no and prioritize their own goals, this engineer can create a healthier work-life balance and become a more productive and fulfilled team member.

So, the next time you find yourself falling into the trap of people pleasing, take a step back and ask yourself: am I doing this out of a genuine desire to help, or am I seeking validation and approval? By being honest with yourself and following these steps, you can break free from this cycle